Other BPD Traits

I have been working my way through The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder, written by Randi Kreger, co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells (in the last post).

In my review, to be posted later, I'm certain I will highly recommending both books. They don't seem to overlap in boring repetitious ways.

What I'd like to point out now from it are the other traits of BPD not listed in the DSM's 9 criteria (seen here in a previous post).
It is also important to understand there are two types on BPs; the lower functioning conventional BP, and the higher functioning invisible BP. In basic terms the first are the ones most studied as they seek out mental health professionals often. The second ones can hold a job (though there may be many) and somewhat hides the behaviors for periods of time. They are often described as leaving a feeling of Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde and always deny the possibility of having BPD.

Other traits

1. Lying
Many reports from family members (non-BP's) have to do with the BP not telling the truth and/or blowing the truth out of proportion that later is remembered by the BP as truth. While under stress a BP may lie in order to deflect shame, prevent feared rejection from non-BP, create drama, gain attention, mask real feelings, or to help them make sense of why things happen in their mixed up reality. Not telling the truth may be conscious (as we all do, sometimes), unconscious, or somewhere in between.

2. Need to be in Control
In an effort to keep things in their world predictable and manageable the BP has a need to always be in control. Remember the definition of manipulation has to do with intent, and BP's are far too impulsive to work behind the scenes in order to successfully manipulate.

That's not to say that a high functioning invisible BP couldn't step into the role of a non-BP using manipulation to carry out control. This is best described in an excerpt from the book writen by a recovering BP:

Bps can preform flawlessly, as if on stage, because they put themselves in different roles for different situations. In public, [a higher functioning invisible BP] becomes a different person, a person who is in control and would never let borderline personality behaviors show because at that time, that other part of her personality doesn't exist. The BP really believes she is in control, so she acts in accordance with that personality.

The performance however, doesn't always fool everyone forever. Something triggers the other personality, and if that trigger is strong enough, it will take precedence and the BPs sense of control will be lost.



I can definitely relate to the these additional behaviors. There have been enough times when I was baffled by the fierce way in which my sister held on so strongly to a lie she had turned into her truth, an example is blaming me for her childhood living situation (#1). It makes so much more sense to me now. I can understand the need, the desperation, she must have felt after she lost control and then acted impulsively (#2). She needed to make sense of what had happened in her world and blaming me made the reality "fit" with her feelings that she was unable to cope with.

Stop walking on eggshells -Book Review

This is a great book for teaching to defuse anger, giving BPD-Specific communication skills, tips on asserting your needs with confidence and clarity and resolving special issues. I highly recommend that you read with a pencil (I hate pen in books), a highlighter and post it tabs so you can easily reference as you grow on your path to a better life!

One of the many tips brought me back to this classic book; The Four Agreements; a Toltic wisdom book. Each of the four agreements are powerful and wonderful to live by. The second agreement reads: Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. The BP’s behavior is no more personal than the burden of caring for a terminally ill family member is a personal attack.

It is important to take care of yourself; to detach from the BP with love when appropriate. I like that once again I came across comparing the treatment of the BP as a person suffering from alcoholism. In Al-Anon, a support group for the non-alcoholic family members, a number of important skills are taught to help prevent you from enabling the inappropriate behavior, while giving you coping skills. You learn not only that you are not responsible for the BP’s illness, but you are not responsible for the recovery of it.

This book gives you many suggestions on how to make the necessary changes within yourself. A point I believe that is especially important to understand is that avoidance is an action taken. Here is an excerpt (bolding is mine):

“Every day, we teach people how to treat us by showing them what we will and won’t accept, what we refuse to confront, and what we let slide. We may believe that we can make another person’s troublesome behavior disappear if we don’t make a fuss. But the message we send is “It worked. Do it again.””

The book talks about the way scientists have trained rats to push a lever for food. When they give the food intermittently, that is not the same number of pushes each time, they will push it as many times as needed until the food comes.
Remember, when you occasionally cave in your boundaries, you are teaching the BP to continue to push your buttons until they hit the one that makes you cave. The first time could be button number the three and the next one could be button 99.

Setting limits with the BP is crucial not just for your own mental health but when you don’t, you are making every situation worse. When you accept responsibility for the BP’s feeling or behavior’s, or practice avoidance, then they don’t have to be accountable. If a BP is not accountable for their feelings and behaviors, they will never have the chance to learn how it affects others. In essence they are robbed of the chance to choose to change and get better.