Confessions of a man suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder

My story:

I am a 44 year-old, divorced white male, single full-time father of two, with a master's degree and a professional job, and I suffer from borderline personality disorder. Since I like to blog about what is going on with me, my therapist suggested that I try to share my experiences with others to try to help them understand what is going on inside a person with BPD, and this would help me understand my own disorder. So, I created a blog entitled Confession of a man suffering from BPD. Here is my story:

My father left when I was four years old, and married another woman while still married to my mother. Up until he left when I was four years old, my dad was my best friend. As my mother and I pulled out of the driveway to go visit my grandparents one day, my dad promised that he would pick me up. But, he never did.

My stepfather, who my mother married when I was nine, was an abusive, control freak... He emotionally abused me partly by controlling every little aspect of my life, and of course I never did anything good enough, and partly by always telling me that I would never amount to crap on an almost daily basis.

Since I left home at age 17, I have been through 5 marriages and numerous committed relationships. I ended each and every relationship, and no matter how good the relationship was. I loved them all deeply at first. I then came to despise them, but I wanted them to love me.

I am an exceptionally impulsive individual. I jump in and out of relationships. If I WANT to do or say something, I typically do or say it without any regard for the consequences. If I have something on my mind, it controls and engulfs me until I act upon it; I get no relief until I do.

It is like I push the limits of all relationships; lovers, friends, and co-workers/employers. I thrive on the drama of it all. After reeling people in, I want them to feel sorry for me and work to try to make me happy. I want them to stop worrying about their problems and/or responsibilities and concentrate on me. However, I am actually sabotaging these relationships because there is only so much people can take.

I go for the online dating thing when a relationship ends. I really don't have the desire for sex. For me, this is some kind of compulsive behavior were I try to seek the affection and, hence, validation from someone else.

Although my children live with me, I absolutely despise being alone and having no adult female around that loves me. However, I view everyone I know as either all good or all evil. When they do something good, I love them; when they do something I think is bad, I see them as evil, and I hold a grudge. At the same time, I trust no one. I feel like everyone has an ulterior motive. And, the thing I hate the most is being criticized because I try to do everything right.

When things don't go as planned or I am interrupted in my thought process, I have bouts of inappropriate anger....I have gone off on my kids to the point that I scared the crap out of them. To this day, even as teens, do pretty much everything I say without question. This attitude came about because they wanted peace and my love and this is the price they pay for it.

I also experience mood swings. One minute I am happy or content. The next minute I am depressed or mad. It is like I am bored with contentment and I seek excitement whether it is positive or negative. I also flee stressful situations.

Finally, I have no clue as to who or what I am and I experience intense feeling of emptiness. I feel like I am just faking it as I go through life. I have experimented with many lifestyles, and still don't know who or what I really am.

I hope my sharing can be of help to all of us. Please do not take anything that I may say personally.

Bless,

Jerry
June 20, 2006