Friday, November 27, 2009

Next Phase - Stop Walking on Eggshells

Now that we have gone through defining this disease, spent time looking into the many variations of symptoms and initial website info available, hopefully we have come to some level of understanding. We need to look at BD (Borderline Disorder) as we would any other organ disease someone could have. However, by now we should also fully understand that convincing the BP in our life of anything is NOT the goal here.


Now that we have begun to see this illness for what it actually is; something we cannot change, then we must realize the changes we can control, ourselves. These changes may not be easy and like most things will require practice. It is important to understand that outward situations and experiences with our BP will go unchanged if our actions/reactions remain the same.

Today, I went to the bookstore to pick up the books I plan to begin my research with (since our library didn't carry most and one was reserved till who knows when). I was blessed by using points on my old credit card to get a B&N gift card and a very supportive wife to cover the difference - thanks!
I am beginning with Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has Borderline Personality Disorder and the accompanying workbook written by Randi Kreger and Paul T. Mason, M.S. The first was published in '98 and the workbook followed in '02. Randi Kreger, in her mission to provide education and emotional relief for "Non-BP's" has released a new expanded book that I will read next.

As I go through, I will blog the fitting information and practical strategies that are shared in these books. If you'd like to follow along, check them out at your library, if they are available, or if you can pick them up at a local bookstore (you may even find them used).

Denial
A high functioning BP's denial of their disease can be easily compared to denial of an untreated alcoholic.

The authors explain that we will need to engage ourselves on three different levels to get the most from the information presented. Using the metaphor of being in the Land of Oz, these levels describe three journeys or personal tracks people can take, each with differing hardships and reach a somewhat different destination. The amount of energy and emotion one puts into their journey will effect where they end up.

The Intellectual Track
This trip is not too taxing and compares to being on a comfortable train ride out of Emerald city. You understand the theories about BPD but do not allow yourself to feel the feeling that may have been buried for years. Rather than truly experiencing the journey you gaze out the window at the scenery behind the glass.

The Emotional Track
These travelers carry heavy suitcases full of guilt, sorrow, fear, denial,and other mixed emotions. When the train stops they venture out to breath in the air in this new cleaner environment. They clarify their feelings about their situation as well as understand it intellectually. Here they can see in the distance the final destination - a place they can detach from other people's problems, yet still care about them. This takes time to adjust to and truly feel the changes, which is not always easy so you need to be kind and allow yourself to make mistakes.

The Personal Change Track
This is for those ready to not only do the action steps, but also to work hard at their new understanding and the way they feel and interact with the BP. For example, it is one thing to understand that the BP's problems do not have to be a crisis for you. But it is more difficult to actually detach from the BP's problems and help the BP gain confidence so that she can solve some of her problems on her own.
Change is painful, you may feel uncertain because it is unfamiliar, but your hard work will be rewarded. You will not have days filled with chaos, or a useless obsession to try to change someone else, instead you will no longer react- you will find a place to act in your own best interest choosing your destiny.
Do not expect perfection and allow yourself room for error. The train may travel slowly, but you can make it!


The only way to change the behavior and not so fun experiences with your BP is to change yourself.

It doesn't matter which track you choose as long as you are aware of them. When you are ready for change you will know and then you can make a change.


I should also point out that this information is for "Non-BP's" who care about a BP that is not in a recovery/treatment plan with a specialist on BPD, or they don't believe they have an illness, or even if you just suspect BPD.




Readers:
Please leave your comments, helpful statements or any questions that may arise at the bottom of the post - you can remain anonymous, but please use the same fictitious name and conceal identities of others. Also, if you'd like me to elaborate on any portion, please let me know by leaving your comments.
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1 comment:

  1. I have been readıng almost all the artıcles ın here. ı cant stop readıng. they are all absolutely famılıar to me and my fıance. We are just 20 and 21 years old. Im sure he has BPD. I want to help hım. I have taken notes on paper wıth pencıls as ıve been readıng. THANK YOU so much for thıs blog.

    ReplyDelete