Now that we have gone through defining this disease, spent time looking into the many variations of symptoms and initial website info available, hopefully we have come to some level of understanding. We need to look at BD (Borderline Disorder) as we would any other organ disease someone could have. However, by now we should also fully understand that convincing the BP in our life of anything is NOT the goal here.
Now that we have begun to see this illness for what it actually is; something we cannot change, then we must realize the changes we can control, ourselves. These changes may not be easy and like most things will require practice. It is important to understand that outward situations and experiences with our BP will go unchanged if our actions/reactions remain the same.
Today, I went to the bookstore to pick up the books I plan to begin my research with (since our library didn't carry most and one was reserved till who knows when). I was blessed by using points on my old credit card to get a B&N gift card and a very supportive wife to cover the difference - thanks!
I am beginning with Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has Borderline Personality Disorder and the accompanying workbook written by Randi Kreger and Paul T. Mason, M.S. The first was published in '98 and the workbook followed in '02. Randi Kreger, in her mission to provide education and emotional relief for "Non-BP's" has released a new expanded book that I will read next.
As I go through, I will blog the fitting information and practical strategies that are shared in these books. If you'd like to follow along, check them out at your library, if they are available, or if you can pick them up at a local bookstore (you may even find them used).
Denial
A high functioning BP's denial of their disease can be easily compared to denial of an untreated alcoholic.
The authors explain that we will need to engage ourselves on three different levels to get the most from the information presented. Using the metaphor of being in the Land of Oz, these levels describe three journeys or personal tracks people can take, each with differing hardships and reach a somewhat different destination. The amount of energy and emotion one puts into their journey will effect where they end up.
The Intellectual Track
This trip is not too taxing and compares to being on a comfortable train ride out of Emerald city. You understand the theories about BPD but do not allow yourself to feel the feeling that may have been buried for years. Rather than truly experiencing the journey you gaze out the window at the scenery behind the glass.
The Emotional Track
These travelers carry heavy suitcases full of guilt, sorrow, fear, denial,and other mixed emotions. When the train stops they venture out to breath in the air in this new cleaner environment. They clarify their feelings about their situation as well as understand it intellectually. Here they can see in the distance the final destination - a place they can detach from other people's problems, yet still care about them. This takes time to adjust to and truly feel the changes, which is not always easy so you need to be kind and allow yourself to make mistakes.
The Personal Change Track
This is for those ready to not only do the action steps, but also to work hard at their new understanding and the way they feel and interact with the BP. For example, it is one thing to understand that the BP's problems do not have to be a crisis for you. But it is more difficult to actually detach from the BP's problems and help the BP gain confidence so that she can solve some of her problems on her own.
Change is painful, you may feel uncertain because it is unfamiliar, but your hard work will be rewarded. You will not have days filled with chaos, or a useless obsession to try to change someone else, instead you will no longer react- you will find a place to act in your own best interest choosing your destiny.
Do not expect perfection and allow yourself room for error. The train may travel slowly, but you can make it!
The only way to change the behavior and not so fun experiences with your BP is to change yourself.
It doesn't matter which track you choose as long as you are aware of them. When you are ready for change you will know and then you can make a change.
I should also point out that this information is for "Non-BP's" who care about a BP that is not in a recovery/treatment plan with a specialist on BPD, or they don't believe they have an illness, or even if you just suspect BPD.
Readers:
Please leave your comments, helpful statements or any questions that may arise at the bottom of the post - you can remain anonymous, but please use the same fictitious name and conceal identities of others. Also, if you'd like me to elaborate on any portion, please let me know by leaving your comments.
Help me make this blog as informative as I can- plus a blogger Loves knowing your thoughts through comments!
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Empathy Defined
What is Empathy?
The origin of the word empathy dates back to the 1880s, when German psychologist Theodore Lipps coined the term "einfuhlung" (literally, "in-feeling") to describe the emotional appreciation of another's feelings. Empathy has further been described as the process of understanding a person's subjective experience by vicariously sharing that experience while maintaining an observant stance. Empathy is a balanced curiosity leading to a deeper understanding of another human being; stated another way, empathy is the capacity to understand another person's experience from within that person's frame of reference.
Even more simply stated, empathy is the ability to "put oneself in another's shoes." In an essay entitled "Some Thoughts on Empathy," Columbia University psychiatrist Alberta Szalita stated, "I view empathy as one of the important mechanisms through which we bridge the gap between experience and thought." A few sentences earlier in her essay, she had emphasized that ... "Empathy is consideration of another person's feelings and readiness to respond to his [or her] needs without making his [or her] burden one's own."
Statements that facilitate empathy have been categorized as queries, clarifications, and responses. Examples of each are as follows:
* Queries
"Can you tell me more about that?"
"What has this been like for you?"
"How has all of this made you feel?"
* Clarifications
"Let me see if I've gotten this right ..."
"Tell me more about ..."
"I want to make sure I understand what you've said ..."
* Responses
"Sounds like you are ..."
"I imagine that must be ..."
"I can understand that must make you feel ..."
Examples of empathic statements
from the National Mental Health Information Center
* “How difficult!” or “How painful!” or “How irritating” or “How wonderful!”
* “What a disappointment to lose that job after working so hard to get it.”
* “What a mess! How confusing to expect to do one job and to come in and be assigned a different task!”
* “Lord knows you’ve put up with a lot!”
Helping consumers [BP} in their effort to take personal responsibility for life choices
You can help consumers [BP] in their effort to take personal responsibility for life choices by:
1. ... Use of open-ended questions
2. Respecting expressed preferences
3. Avoiding giving excessive advice
Using open-ended questions Open-ended questions
Open-ended questions refer to questions that cannot be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” When interviewing consumers, asking open-ended questions often yields much more useful information than asking closed-ended questions that can be answered yes/no. Open-ended questions are very useful for learning more about consumers, including their job preferences, work history, perceived difficulties on the job, and desire for support.
Examples of open-ended questions
* “I’d like to hear about the kinds of jobs you’ve worked in the past.”
* “What sort of things do you enjoy doing?”
* “When you think of the kinds of work you’d like to do, what types of work do you find most interesting and would most prefer?”
* “What types of problems have you been encountering on your job?”
Examples of avoiding giving excessive advice
Examples of ways to keep focused when asked to give advice
* “I agree that that is a tough decision you are facing. I am not sure what I would do it I were you. What are you considering?”
* “Sounds like a very difficult situation. I’d hate to make it worse by offering you advise that might not be consistent with what you really want. Let’s put our heads together and try to sort it out.”
* “ How confusing! Let’s list out the pros and cons of this decision to get a clearer idea of what you want to do.”
The origin of the word empathy dates back to the 1880s, when German psychologist Theodore Lipps coined the term "einfuhlung" (literally, "in-feeling") to describe the emotional appreciation of another's feelings. Empathy has further been described as the process of understanding a person's subjective experience by vicariously sharing that experience while maintaining an observant stance. Empathy is a balanced curiosity leading to a deeper understanding of another human being; stated another way, empathy is the capacity to understand another person's experience from within that person's frame of reference.
Even more simply stated, empathy is the ability to "put oneself in another's shoes." In an essay entitled "Some Thoughts on Empathy," Columbia University psychiatrist Alberta Szalita stated, "I view empathy as one of the important mechanisms through which we bridge the gap between experience and thought." A few sentences earlier in her essay, she had emphasized that ... "Empathy is consideration of another person's feelings and readiness to respond to his [or her] needs without making his [or her] burden one's own."
Statements that facilitate empathy have been categorized as queries, clarifications, and responses. Examples of each are as follows:
* Queries
"Can you tell me more about that?"
"What has this been like for you?"
"How has all of this made you feel?"
* Clarifications
"Let me see if I've gotten this right ..."
"Tell me more about ..."
"I want to make sure I understand what you've said ..."
* Responses
"Sounds like you are ..."
"I imagine that must be ..."
"I can understand that must make you feel ..."
Examples of empathic statements
from the National Mental Health Information Center
* “How difficult!” or “How painful!” or “How irritating” or “How wonderful!”
* “What a disappointment to lose that job after working so hard to get it.”
* “What a mess! How confusing to expect to do one job and to come in and be assigned a different task!”
* “Lord knows you’ve put up with a lot!”
Helping consumers [BP} in their effort to take personal responsibility for life choices
You can help consumers [BP] in their effort to take personal responsibility for life choices by:
1. ... Use of open-ended questions
2. Respecting expressed preferences
3. Avoiding giving excessive advice
Using open-ended questions Open-ended questions
Open-ended questions refer to questions that cannot be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” When interviewing consumers, asking open-ended questions often yields much more useful information than asking closed-ended questions that can be answered yes/no. Open-ended questions are very useful for learning more about consumers, including their job preferences, work history, perceived difficulties on the job, and desire for support.
Examples of open-ended questions
* “I’d like to hear about the kinds of jobs you’ve worked in the past.”
* “What sort of things do you enjoy doing?”
* “When you think of the kinds of work you’d like to do, what types of work do you find most interesting and would most prefer?”
* “What types of problems have you been encountering on your job?”
Examples of avoiding giving excessive advice
Examples of ways to keep focused when asked to give advice
* “I agree that that is a tough decision you are facing. I am not sure what I would do it I were you. What are you considering?”
* “Sounds like a very difficult situation. I’d hate to make it worse by offering you advise that might not be consistent with what you really want. Let’s put our heads together and try to sort it out.”
* “ How confusing! Let’s list out the pros and cons of this decision to get a clearer idea of what you want to do.”
Complications
Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of life. Interpersonal relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image all can be negatively affected. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are very high, reaching 10 percent to 15 percent.
In addition, other mental health problems may accompany, including:
* Depression
* Substance abuse
* Anxiety disorders
* Eating disorders
* Bipolar disorder
* Passive aggressive disorder
* Other personality disorders
In addition, other mental health problems may accompany, including:
* Depression
* Substance abuse
* Anxiety disorders
* Eating disorders
* Bipolar disorder
* Passive aggressive disorder
* Other personality disorders
Official DSM-IV Definition
DSM-IV criteria:
The DSM-IV gives these nine criteria; a diagnosis requires that the subject present with at least five of these. In I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me! Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as "emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."
Traits involving emotions:
Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. They may feel ruled by them. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said, "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.
2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.
Traits involving behavior:
3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once
4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior.
Traits involving identity
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. Instead, they may try to be what they think other people want them to be. Someone with BPD said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Someone with BPD said, "I remember describing the feeling of having a deep hole in my stomach. An emptiness that I didn't know how to fill. My therapist told me that was from almost a "lack of a life". The more things you get into your life, the more relationships you get involved in, all of that fills that hole. As a borderline, I had no life. There were times when I couldn't stay in the same room with other people. It almost felt like what I think a panic attack would feel like."
Traits involving relationships
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting (see below).
8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
* Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
* Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
* Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
* Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
* Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
* Heavy need for affection and reassurance
* Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
This means feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.
Miscellaneous attributes of people with BPD:
* People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
* They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
* They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
* Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
* Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect.
The DSM-IV gives these nine criteria; a diagnosis requires that the subject present with at least five of these. In I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me! Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as "emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."
Traits involving emotions:
Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. They may feel ruled by them. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said, "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.
2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.
Traits involving behavior:
3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once
4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior.
Traits involving identity
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. Instead, they may try to be what they think other people want them to be. Someone with BPD said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Someone with BPD said, "I remember describing the feeling of having a deep hole in my stomach. An emptiness that I didn't know how to fill. My therapist told me that was from almost a "lack of a life". The more things you get into your life, the more relationships you get involved in, all of that fills that hole. As a borderline, I had no life. There were times when I couldn't stay in the same room with other people. It almost felt like what I think a panic attack would feel like."
Traits involving relationships
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting (see below).
8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
* Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
* Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
* Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
* Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
* Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
* Heavy need for affection and reassurance
* Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
This means feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.
Miscellaneous attributes of people with BPD:
* People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
* They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
* They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
* Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
* Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect.
Defense mechanisms
BPD Central does a good job explaining the defense mechanisms used by the Borderline talked about in the last posting.
Common "games" between BPs and Non-BPs
Feelings Create Facts
In general, emotionally healthy people base their feelings on facts. If your dad came home drunk every night (fact) you might feel worried or concerned (feeling). If your boss complimented you on a big project (fact) you would feel proud and happy (feeling).
People with BPD, however, may do the opposite. When their feelings don't fit the facts, they may unconsciously revise the facts to fit their feelings. This may be one reason why their perception of events is so different from yours.
Splitting: (I Hate You—Don't Leave Me)
People with BPD may have a hard time seeing gray areas. To them, people and situations are all black or white, wonderful or evil. This process of splitting serves as another defense mechanism. Peter, who has BPD, explains: "Dividing the world into good or evil makes it easier to understand. When I feel evil, that explains why I am the way I am. When you are evil, that explains why I think bad things about you."
~This one really rings a bell as the child yells "I hate you, I want to live with my ___!" With lost memory of the last time the statement was raged.
Projection: Tag, You're It!
Some people with BPD who act out may use a more complicated type of defense mechanism — we've named it "Tag, You're It"- to relieve their anxiety, pain, and feelings of shame. It's more complex because it combines shame, splitting, denial, and projection.
People with BPD usually lack a clear sense of who they are, and feel empty and inherently defective. Others seem to run away from them, which is lonely and excruciatingly painful. So borderlines cope by trying to "tag" or "put" these feelings onto someone else. This is called projection.
Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them (often in an accusing way) to someone else. In our interview with Elyce M. Benham, M.S., she explained that projection is like gazing at yourself in a hand-held mirror. When you think you look ugly, you turn the mirror around. Voila! Now the homely face in the mirror belongs to somebody else.
Sometimes the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of "hating" them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination: for example, they accuse you of flirting with a salesclerk when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department.
The BP's unconscious hope is that by projecting this unpleasant stuff onto another person-by tagging someone else and making them "it" like a game of Tag — the person with BPD will feel better about themselves. And they do feel better, for a little while. But the pain comes back. So the game is played again and again.
Projection also has another purpose: your loved one unconsciously fears that if you find out they're not perfect, you will abandon them. Like in the Wizard of Oz, they live in constant terror that you'll discover the person behind the curtain. Projecting the negative traits and feelings onto you is a way to keep the curtain closed and redirect your attention on the perfect image they've tried to create for themselves.
How can people with BPD deny that they are projecting when it is so obvious to everyone else? The answer is that shame and splitting may combine with projection and denial to make the "Tag, You're It" defense mechanism a more powerful way of denying ownership of unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. Says Benham: "The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to inconsistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well."
Everything Is Your Fault
Continual blame and criticism is another defense mechanism that some people with BPD who act out use as a survival tool. The criticism may be based on a real issue that the person with BPD has exaggerated, or it may be a pure fantasy on the borderline's part.
Family members we interviewed have been raged at and castigated for such things as carrying a grocery bag the wrong way, having bed sheets that weighed too heavily on the BP's toes, and reading a book the BP demanded they read.
One exasperated non-BP said that if by some chance he didn't make an unforgivable error one day, his wife would probably rage at him for being too perfect.
If you object to the criticism or try to defend yourself, your loved one may accuse you of being defensive, too sensitive, or unable to accept constructive criticism. Since their very survival seems to be at stake, they may defend themselves with the ferociousness of a mother bear protecting her cubs. When the crisis has passed and the person with BPD seems to have won, they may act surprised that you're still upset.
Common "games" between BPs and Non-BPs
Feelings Create Facts
In general, emotionally healthy people base their feelings on facts. If your dad came home drunk every night (fact) you might feel worried or concerned (feeling). If your boss complimented you on a big project (fact) you would feel proud and happy (feeling).
People with BPD, however, may do the opposite. When their feelings don't fit the facts, they may unconsciously revise the facts to fit their feelings. This may be one reason why their perception of events is so different from yours.
Splitting: (I Hate You—Don't Leave Me)
People with BPD may have a hard time seeing gray areas. To them, people and situations are all black or white, wonderful or evil. This process of splitting serves as another defense mechanism. Peter, who has BPD, explains: "Dividing the world into good or evil makes it easier to understand. When I feel evil, that explains why I am the way I am. When you are evil, that explains why I think bad things about you."
~This one really rings a bell as the child yells "I hate you, I want to live with my ___!" With lost memory of the last time the statement was raged.
Projection: Tag, You're It!
Some people with BPD who act out may use a more complicated type of defense mechanism — we've named it "Tag, You're It"- to relieve their anxiety, pain, and feelings of shame. It's more complex because it combines shame, splitting, denial, and projection.
People with BPD usually lack a clear sense of who they are, and feel empty and inherently defective. Others seem to run away from them, which is lonely and excruciatingly painful. So borderlines cope by trying to "tag" or "put" these feelings onto someone else. This is called projection.
Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them (often in an accusing way) to someone else. In our interview with Elyce M. Benham, M.S., she explained that projection is like gazing at yourself in a hand-held mirror. When you think you look ugly, you turn the mirror around. Voila! Now the homely face in the mirror belongs to somebody else.
Sometimes the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of "hating" them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination: for example, they accuse you of flirting with a salesclerk when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department.
The BP's unconscious hope is that by projecting this unpleasant stuff onto another person-by tagging someone else and making them "it" like a game of Tag — the person with BPD will feel better about themselves. And they do feel better, for a little while. But the pain comes back. So the game is played again and again.
Projection also has another purpose: your loved one unconsciously fears that if you find out they're not perfect, you will abandon them. Like in the Wizard of Oz, they live in constant terror that you'll discover the person behind the curtain. Projecting the negative traits and feelings onto you is a way to keep the curtain closed and redirect your attention on the perfect image they've tried to create for themselves.
How can people with BPD deny that they are projecting when it is so obvious to everyone else? The answer is that shame and splitting may combine with projection and denial to make the "Tag, You're It" defense mechanism a more powerful way of denying ownership of unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. Says Benham: "The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to inconsistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well."
Everything Is Your Fault
Continual blame and criticism is another defense mechanism that some people with BPD who act out use as a survival tool. The criticism may be based on a real issue that the person with BPD has exaggerated, or it may be a pure fantasy on the borderline's part.
Family members we interviewed have been raged at and castigated for such things as carrying a grocery bag the wrong way, having bed sheets that weighed too heavily on the BP's toes, and reading a book the BP demanded they read.
One exasperated non-BP said that if by some chance he didn't make an unforgivable error one day, his wife would probably rage at him for being too perfect.
If you object to the criticism or try to defend yourself, your loved one may accuse you of being defensive, too sensitive, or unable to accept constructive criticism. Since their very survival seems to be at stake, they may defend themselves with the ferociousness of a mother bear protecting her cubs. When the crisis has passed and the person with BPD seems to have won, they may act surprised that you're still upset.
Treatment is a Goal, not a given
As we continue to develop and enhance our own personal boundaries in all area of of life, we still need more info on how to interact with the Borderline in regular daily life.
I found an article written by Xavier Amador, PhD, Adjunct professor, Columbia University, Board of Directors of NAMI. The intro was written by BPDFamily staff...
Introduction - Caring, loving and wanting to help are all natural feelings to have. It is one thing to care. It is another one thing to be "in love" with someone. It is quite another to try to help them "not be mentally ill".
Hard To Give - Trying to change the behavior and feelings of someone with a mental illness, or get them start a recovery program, no matter how well intended, is not "help". It crosses over healthy relationship boundaries and often leads you to unhealthy enmeshment in your loved one's life. If they enter therapy or alter behavior to please you, or out of fear that you will leave - this is not a motivation that leads to recovery. And frankly, this type of "help" is often born out of a need to control.
Hard to Receive - Often borderlines will see these efforts to help as threatening or condescending. Borderline's are known to have dysfunctional abilities to "cope" with life's challenges. The possibility of mental illness is a serious life challenge.
Pathological exhibits of splitting, projection, and introjection by borderlines are characteristic borderline defenses. At the same time, rationalization and denial can similarly be pathologic defenses. If someone can't cope with the information, you cannot easily overcome that.
Ultimately, change is a choice. Change can only take place when a person chooses it for him/herself. It cannot be imposed. We can only support them in their choices. And if we need something in our lives, or in any relationship to change, we, ourselves, must change. We cannot extend over their personal boundaries and expect them to change for us.
~ I'm not sure if I explained/defined the characteristic defenses listed above - if not, I will do that in the next post.
In his article, Dr. Amador states that a growing body of evidence points to the fact that many people with a mental illness, have "lack of insight" of that illness. "People will come up with illogical and even bizarre explanations for symptoms and life circumstances stemming from their illness, along with a compulsion to prove to others that they are not ill, despite negative consequences associated with doing so."
What is often thought to be immaturity, stubbornness, and defensiveness is a much more complex problem.
Amador and his colleagues found in a 1994 study that nearly 60 percent of a sample of 221 patients with schizophrenia did not believe they were ill.
Amador describes what it is like to work with someone who does not believe they are ill. One patient encountered by Amador was paralyzed on his left side and he had problems writing. When asked to draw a clock the patient thought he did fine, Amador recalled.
However, when Amador pointed out to the patient that the numbers were outside of the circle, the patient became upset. "The more I talked to him [about the drawing], the more flustered he got. . . . Then he got angry and pushed the paper away, saying 'it's not mine-it's not my drawing.' "
Amador finds the same reaction appears when he talks to people with severe mental illness. "Instead of being an ally, I end up being an adversary," he said.
Amador urges family members and mental health professionals to understand that collaboration with treatment by someone who has a severe mental illness is a goal, not a given.
Amador has written about getting people with serious mental illness to accept treatment in a book he coauthored with Anna-Lisa Johanson titled, I am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help: A Practical Guide for Families and Therapists.
~Reminder: Even though we are not talking about a schizophrenia here, you can see how his example rings also true for Borderlines, as well as other mental illness, which is why this article was posted by the BPDfamily.
It is important instead to develop a partnership with the patient around those things that can be agreed upon.
Amador said that family members and clinicians should first listen to the patient's fears.
Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patients delusional beliefs is also important, remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.
The most difficult thing for family members to do in building a trusting relationship, he said, is to restrict discussion only to the problems that the person with mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others.
~More to come later on using boundaries, empathetic statements, and reality to prevent conflict.
I found an article written by Xavier Amador, PhD, Adjunct professor, Columbia University, Board of Directors of NAMI. The intro was written by BPDFamily staff...
Introduction - Caring, loving and wanting to help are all natural feelings to have. It is one thing to care. It is another one thing to be "in love" with someone. It is quite another to try to help them "not be mentally ill".
Hard To Give - Trying to change the behavior and feelings of someone with a mental illness, or get them start a recovery program, no matter how well intended, is not "help". It crosses over healthy relationship boundaries and often leads you to unhealthy enmeshment in your loved one's life. If they enter therapy or alter behavior to please you, or out of fear that you will leave - this is not a motivation that leads to recovery. And frankly, this type of "help" is often born out of a need to control.
Hard to Receive - Often borderlines will see these efforts to help as threatening or condescending. Borderline's are known to have dysfunctional abilities to "cope" with life's challenges. The possibility of mental illness is a serious life challenge.
Pathological exhibits of splitting, projection, and introjection by borderlines are characteristic borderline defenses. At the same time, rationalization and denial can similarly be pathologic defenses. If someone can't cope with the information, you cannot easily overcome that.
Ultimately, change is a choice. Change can only take place when a person chooses it for him/herself. It cannot be imposed. We can only support them in their choices. And if we need something in our lives, or in any relationship to change, we, ourselves, must change. We cannot extend over their personal boundaries and expect them to change for us.
~ I'm not sure if I explained/defined the characteristic defenses listed above - if not, I will do that in the next post.
In his article, Dr. Amador states that a growing body of evidence points to the fact that many people with a mental illness, have "lack of insight" of that illness. "People will come up with illogical and even bizarre explanations for symptoms and life circumstances stemming from their illness, along with a compulsion to prove to others that they are not ill, despite negative consequences associated with doing so."
What is often thought to be immaturity, stubbornness, and defensiveness is a much more complex problem.
Amador and his colleagues found in a 1994 study that nearly 60 percent of a sample of 221 patients with schizophrenia did not believe they were ill.
Amador describes what it is like to work with someone who does not believe they are ill. One patient encountered by Amador was paralyzed on his left side and he had problems writing. When asked to draw a clock the patient thought he did fine, Amador recalled.
However, when Amador pointed out to the patient that the numbers were outside of the circle, the patient became upset. "The more I talked to him [about the drawing], the more flustered he got. . . . Then he got angry and pushed the paper away, saying 'it's not mine-it's not my drawing.' "
Amador finds the same reaction appears when he talks to people with severe mental illness. "Instead of being an ally, I end up being an adversary," he said.
Amador urges family members and mental health professionals to understand that collaboration with treatment by someone who has a severe mental illness is a goal, not a given.
Amador has written about getting people with serious mental illness to accept treatment in a book he coauthored with Anna-Lisa Johanson titled, I am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help: A Practical Guide for Families and Therapists.
~Reminder: Even though we are not talking about a schizophrenia here, you can see how his example rings also true for Borderlines, as well as other mental illness, which is why this article was posted by the BPDfamily.
It is important instead to develop a partnership with the patient around those things that can be agreed upon.
Amador said that family members and clinicians should first listen to the patient's fears.
Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patients delusional beliefs is also important, remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.
The most difficult thing for family members to do in building a trusting relationship, he said, is to restrict discussion only to the problems that the person with mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others.
~More to come later on using boundaries, empathetic statements, and reality to prevent conflict.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Boundaries Pt.2
"Good fences make good neighbors." Robert Frost
Now that you have identified the symptoms you'd like to begin correcting here is a great list of a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a more realistic affirmation for healthy boundary building.
Rational boundary building thinking
Unhealthy: I can never say "no'' to others.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to say "no'' to others if it is an invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.
Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the interdependency needed to keep us a united group.
Unhealthy: I can never trust anyone again.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.
Unhealthy: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family or group out of it.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have the right and need to do things which are uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I lose my identity.
Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy family or group.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests, hobbies and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over enmeshed system.
Unhealthy: It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right to leave them or ask them to get out of my life.
Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs and not violate my space.
Unhealthy: I'd rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy. In this way I don't have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a violation.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I choose no longer to disassociate from my feelings when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or hurt.
Unhealthy: I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being violated.
Unhealthy: I can never tell where to draw the line with others.
Healthy Boundary Builder: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not allow others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy and privacy. I am able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people want me to be by drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is who I am and where I begin and you end; this is who you are and where you begin and I end; we will never cross over this line so that we can maintain a healthy relationship with one another.
How to establish healthy boundaries
In order to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and others, you need to:
First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having been violated or ignored.
Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which you allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated.
Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries between you and others.
Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary building behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between you and others.
Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in your life so that your space, privacy and rights are no longer ignored or violated.
Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries
modified from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine
*When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
*You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner. If others get upset with you, that is their problem. If they no longer want your friendship, then you are probably better off without them. You do not need "friends" who disrespect your boundaries.
*At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
*When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.
*When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially by those accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You can not establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so. Be firm, clear, and respectful.
*Most people are willing to respect your boundaries, but some are not. Be prepared to be firm about your boundaries when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship. In extreme cases, you might have to involve the police or judicial system by sending a no-contact letter or obtaining a restraining order.
*Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. You will set boundaries when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let your counselor or support group help you with pace and process.
*Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life - those who want to manipulate you, abuse you, and control you.
*Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge – and what an exciting journey that is!
Now that you have identified the symptoms you'd like to begin correcting here is a great list of a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a more realistic affirmation for healthy boundary building.
Rational boundary building thinking
Unhealthy: I can never say "no'' to others.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to say "no'' to others if it is an invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.
Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the interdependency needed to keep us a united group.
Unhealthy: I can never trust anyone again.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.
Unhealthy: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family or group out of it.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have the right and need to do things which are uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I lose my identity.
Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy family or group.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests, hobbies and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over enmeshed system.
Unhealthy: It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right to leave them or ask them to get out of my life.
Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs and not violate my space.
Unhealthy: I'd rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy. In this way I don't have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a violation.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I choose no longer to disassociate from my feelings when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or hurt.
Unhealthy: I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being violated.
Unhealthy: I can never tell where to draw the line with others.
Healthy Boundary Builder: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not allow others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy and privacy. I am able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people want me to be by drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is who I am and where I begin and you end; this is who you are and where you begin and I end; we will never cross over this line so that we can maintain a healthy relationship with one another.
How to establish healthy boundaries
In order to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and others, you need to:
First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having been violated or ignored.
Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which you allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated.
Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries between you and others.
Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary building behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between you and others.
Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in your life so that your space, privacy and rights are no longer ignored or violated.
Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries
modified from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine
*When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
*You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner. If others get upset with you, that is their problem. If they no longer want your friendship, then you are probably better off without them. You do not need "friends" who disrespect your boundaries.
*At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
*When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.
*When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially by those accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You can not establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so. Be firm, clear, and respectful.
*Most people are willing to respect your boundaries, but some are not. Be prepared to be firm about your boundaries when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship. In extreme cases, you might have to involve the police or judicial system by sending a no-contact letter or obtaining a restraining order.
*Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. You will set boundaries when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let your counselor or support group help you with pace and process.
*Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life - those who want to manipulate you, abuse you, and control you.
*Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge – and what an exciting journey that is!
Boundaries
By this point I'm sure you are looking for the things you can do to jump in and help. What I know is the best way to help those around you is to first look at helping yourself.
Beginning with Healthy Boundaries.
Webster's defines a boundary as something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.
In looking at boundaries it is important to first be aware of what healthy and unhealthy boundaries look like in relationships. View the first part of this PDF for a good look.
Now that you have seen a visual of the 3 types of boundaries here is an in-depth look at
Symptoms of ignored boundaries:
Over Enmeshment: This symptom requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel and act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms. Everyone looks homogeneous. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic behaviors are viewed as deviations from the norm.
Disassociation: This symptom involves blanking out during a stressful emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell yourself something like: "It doesn't matter." "Ignore it and it will go away soon enough.'' "No sense in fighting it, just hang on and it will be over soon.'' "Don't put up a struggle or else it will be worse for you.'' This blanking out results in your being out of touch with your feelings about what happened. It also may result in your inability to remember what happened.
Excessive Detachment: This symptom occurs when neither you nor anyone else in the group or family is able to establish any fusion of emotions or affiliation of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there doesn't seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union. You and they seem to lack a common purpose, goal, identity or rationale for existing together. There is a seeming lack of desire from you and the other members to draw together to form a union because you fear loss of personal identity.
Victimhood or Martyrdom: In this symptom, you identify yourself as a violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be that once you accept your victimization you continue to be knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.
Chip on the Shoulder: This symptom is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or physical space and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you have a "chip on your shoulder'' that declares "I dare you to come too close!''
Invisibility: This symptom involves your pulling in or over-controlling so that others even yourself never know how you are really feeling or what you are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated.
Aloofness or Shyness: This symptom is a result of your insecurity from real or perceived experiences of being ignored, roved or rejected in the past. This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to include others in your space. Once rejected you take the defensive posture to reject others before they reject you. This keeps you inward and unwilling or fearful of opening up your space to others.
Cold and Distant: This symptom builds walls or barriers to insure that others do not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too can be a defense, due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt, ignored or rejected. This stance is your declaration that "I've drawn the line over which I dare you to cross.'' It is a way to keep others out and put them off.
Smothering: This symptom results when another is overly solicitous of your needs and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your emotional and physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you are being strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on your own. You feel violated, used and overwhelmed.
Lack of Privacy: this symptom is present when you feel that nothing you think, feel or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others in your family or group all the detail and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. You begin to believe you don't have a private domain or your own space into which you can escape to be your own person.
Don't feel bad if you can relate to one or more of the above behaviors- there is something you can do about it! Those of us raised in dysfunctional families have probably had little experience with Healthy boundaries. Therefore, learning how to establish them must be an important goal in our personal growth. In order to achieve this, however, we must overcome low self-esteem and passivity; learn to identify and respect our rights and needs; and become skilled at assertively taking care of ourselves in relationships. This process allows our true selves to emerge, and healthy boundaries become the fences that keep us safe - something we may never have experienced in childhood.
First, realize that boundaries stem from Love not fear.
Guide to psychology states:
"For example, you will often see so-called “nice” persons who always appear to sacrifice themselves for others. They give the impression that capitulating to others promotes peace and that boundaries are selfish—but many of these persons are motivated by an unconscious need to keep the “peace” because of a fear of getting hurt. Such persons usually come from dysfunctional families, and they themselves may have played the unconscious “family role” of peacekeeper. The real motive for their behavior, though, is fear, not love.
On the other hand, you can also find persons who, knowing full well that they are being hurt, will sometimes set aside their boundaries as an act of charity for others. For example, if people push past you to get on a bus, you might decide to say nothing, knowing that people who would push past you to get on a bus will also react with hostility if you say anything to them about their rude behavior. In this case you can set aside your boundaries and tolerate their rude behavior with forbearance, praying that they might someday learn to act with charity to others. Yet these same persons who can willingly set aside their boundaries can just as well defend them. For example, if someone at work uses foul language, you can say that you do not like to hear such talk; if the talk persists, you can get up and walk away.
So you can see that there is a big difference between someone who has clear boundaries and is willing to protect them—and who can willingly set the boundaries aside for the good of others, if necessary—and someone who, because of fear, tolerates anything.
Therefore, acting out of fear only leads to a wasted life because it unconsciously supports rudeness and disorder. Acting from love, however, can bring genuine good into the world, through personal example. But only with healthy boundaries can you act from love."
Beginning with Healthy Boundaries.
Webster's defines a boundary as something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.
In looking at boundaries it is important to first be aware of what healthy and unhealthy boundaries look like in relationships. View the first part of this PDF for a good look.
Now that you have seen a visual of the 3 types of boundaries here is an in-depth look at
Symptoms of ignored boundaries:
Over Enmeshment: This symptom requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel and act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms. Everyone looks homogeneous. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic behaviors are viewed as deviations from the norm.
Disassociation: This symptom involves blanking out during a stressful emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell yourself something like: "It doesn't matter." "Ignore it and it will go away soon enough.'' "No sense in fighting it, just hang on and it will be over soon.'' "Don't put up a struggle or else it will be worse for you.'' This blanking out results in your being out of touch with your feelings about what happened. It also may result in your inability to remember what happened.
Excessive Detachment: This symptom occurs when neither you nor anyone else in the group or family is able to establish any fusion of emotions or affiliation of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there doesn't seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union. You and they seem to lack a common purpose, goal, identity or rationale for existing together. There is a seeming lack of desire from you and the other members to draw together to form a union because you fear loss of personal identity.
Victimhood or Martyrdom: In this symptom, you identify yourself as a violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be that once you accept your victimization you continue to be knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.
Chip on the Shoulder: This symptom is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or physical space and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you have a "chip on your shoulder'' that declares "I dare you to come too close!''
Invisibility: This symptom involves your pulling in or over-controlling so that others even yourself never know how you are really feeling or what you are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated.
Aloofness or Shyness: This symptom is a result of your insecurity from real or perceived experiences of being ignored, roved or rejected in the past. This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to include others in your space. Once rejected you take the defensive posture to reject others before they reject you. This keeps you inward and unwilling or fearful of opening up your space to others.
Cold and Distant: This symptom builds walls or barriers to insure that others do not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too can be a defense, due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt, ignored or rejected. This stance is your declaration that "I've drawn the line over which I dare you to cross.'' It is a way to keep others out and put them off.
Smothering: This symptom results when another is overly solicitous of your needs and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your emotional and physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you are being strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on your own. You feel violated, used and overwhelmed.
Lack of Privacy: this symptom is present when you feel that nothing you think, feel or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others in your family or group all the detail and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. You begin to believe you don't have a private domain or your own space into which you can escape to be your own person.
Don't feel bad if you can relate to one or more of the above behaviors- there is something you can do about it! Those of us raised in dysfunctional families have probably had little experience with Healthy boundaries. Therefore, learning how to establish them must be an important goal in our personal growth. In order to achieve this, however, we must overcome low self-esteem and passivity; learn to identify and respect our rights and needs; and become skilled at assertively taking care of ourselves in relationships. This process allows our true selves to emerge, and healthy boundaries become the fences that keep us safe - something we may never have experienced in childhood.
First, realize that boundaries stem from Love not fear.
Guide to psychology states:
"For example, you will often see so-called “nice” persons who always appear to sacrifice themselves for others. They give the impression that capitulating to others promotes peace and that boundaries are selfish—but many of these persons are motivated by an unconscious need to keep the “peace” because of a fear of getting hurt. Such persons usually come from dysfunctional families, and they themselves may have played the unconscious “family role” of peacekeeper. The real motive for their behavior, though, is fear, not love.
On the other hand, you can also find persons who, knowing full well that they are being hurt, will sometimes set aside their boundaries as an act of charity for others. For example, if people push past you to get on a bus, you might decide to say nothing, knowing that people who would push past you to get on a bus will also react with hostility if you say anything to them about their rude behavior. In this case you can set aside your boundaries and tolerate their rude behavior with forbearance, praying that they might someday learn to act with charity to others. Yet these same persons who can willingly set aside their boundaries can just as well defend them. For example, if someone at work uses foul language, you can say that you do not like to hear such talk; if the talk persists, you can get up and walk away.
So you can see that there is a big difference between someone who has clear boundaries and is willing to protect them—and who can willingly set the boundaries aside for the good of others, if necessary—and someone who, because of fear, tolerates anything.
Therefore, acting out of fear only leads to a wasted life because it unconsciously supports rudeness and disorder. Acting from love, however, can bring genuine good into the world, through personal example. But only with healthy boundaries can you act from love."
Why is BPD difficult to diagnose
Borderline Personality Disorder is a relatively recent addition to the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and the World Health Organization International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD).
Accordingly, the majority of practicing mental health professionals graduating prior to 2000 have not been trained on the diagnosis and the treatment of this very complex disorder as part of their professional curriculum.
Proper diagnosis and treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder is spotty at best with community healthcare providers, marriage counselors, and family therapists who are often hesitant to diagnose or treat the disorder. As a result, most borderlines are undiagnosed or in treatment for other maladies such as depression or PTSD.
If you suspect Borderline Personality Disorder, it is best to use a specialist, preferably one associated with a University.
Accordingly, the majority of practicing mental health professionals graduating prior to 2000 have not been trained on the diagnosis and the treatment of this very complex disorder as part of their professional curriculum.
Proper diagnosis and treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder is spotty at best with community healthcare providers, marriage counselors, and family therapists who are often hesitant to diagnose or treat the disorder. As a result, most borderlines are undiagnosed or in treatment for other maladies such as depression or PTSD.
If you suspect Borderline Personality Disorder, it is best to use a specialist, preferably one associated with a University.
Confessions of a man suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder
My story:
I am a 44 year-old, divorced white male, single full-time father of two, with a master's degree and a professional job, and I suffer from borderline personality disorder. Since I like to blog about what is going on with me, my therapist suggested that I try to share my experiences with others to try to help them understand what is going on inside a person with BPD, and this would help me understand my own disorder. So, I created a blog entitled Confession of a man suffering from BPD. Here is my story:
My father left when I was four years old, and married another woman while still married to my mother. Up until he left when I was four years old, my dad was my best friend. As my mother and I pulled out of the driveway to go visit my grandparents one day, my dad promised that he would pick me up. But, he never did.
My stepfather, who my mother married when I was nine, was an abusive, control freak... He emotionally abused me partly by controlling every little aspect of my life, and of course I never did anything good enough, and partly by always telling me that I would never amount to crap on an almost daily basis.
Since I left home at age 17, I have been through 5 marriages and numerous committed relationships. I ended each and every relationship, and no matter how good the relationship was. I loved them all deeply at first. I then came to despise them, but I wanted them to love me.
I am an exceptionally impulsive individual. I jump in and out of relationships. If I WANT to do or say something, I typically do or say it without any regard for the consequences. If I have something on my mind, it controls and engulfs me until I act upon it; I get no relief until I do.
It is like I push the limits of all relationships; lovers, friends, and co-workers/employers. I thrive on the drama of it all. After reeling people in, I want them to feel sorry for me and work to try to make me happy. I want them to stop worrying about their problems and/or responsibilities and concentrate on me. However, I am actually sabotaging these relationships because there is only so much people can take.
I go for the online dating thing when a relationship ends. I really don't have the desire for sex. For me, this is some kind of compulsive behavior were I try to seek the affection and, hence, validation from someone else.
Although my children live with me, I absolutely despise being alone and having no adult female around that loves me. However, I view everyone I know as either all good or all evil. When they do something good, I love them; when they do something I think is bad, I see them as evil, and I hold a grudge. At the same time, I trust no one. I feel like everyone has an ulterior motive. And, the thing I hate the most is being criticized because I try to do everything right.
When things don't go as planned or I am interrupted in my thought process, I have bouts of inappropriate anger....I have gone off on my kids to the point that I scared the crap out of them. To this day, even as teens, do pretty much everything I say without question. This attitude came about because they wanted peace and my love and this is the price they pay for it.
I also experience mood swings. One minute I am happy or content. The next minute I am depressed or mad. It is like I am bored with contentment and I seek excitement whether it is positive or negative. I also flee stressful situations.
Finally, I have no clue as to who or what I am and I experience intense feeling of emptiness. I feel like I am just faking it as I go through life. I have experimented with many lifestyles, and still don't know who or what I really am.
I hope my sharing can be of help to all of us. Please do not take anything that I may say personally.
Bless,
Jerry
June 20, 2006
I am a 44 year-old, divorced white male, single full-time father of two, with a master's degree and a professional job, and I suffer from borderline personality disorder. Since I like to blog about what is going on with me, my therapist suggested that I try to share my experiences with others to try to help them understand what is going on inside a person with BPD, and this would help me understand my own disorder. So, I created a blog entitled Confession of a man suffering from BPD. Here is my story:
My father left when I was four years old, and married another woman while still married to my mother. Up until he left when I was four years old, my dad was my best friend. As my mother and I pulled out of the driveway to go visit my grandparents one day, my dad promised that he would pick me up. But, he never did.
My stepfather, who my mother married when I was nine, was an abusive, control freak... He emotionally abused me partly by controlling every little aspect of my life, and of course I never did anything good enough, and partly by always telling me that I would never amount to crap on an almost daily basis.
Since I left home at age 17, I have been through 5 marriages and numerous committed relationships. I ended each and every relationship, and no matter how good the relationship was. I loved them all deeply at first. I then came to despise them, but I wanted them to love me.
I am an exceptionally impulsive individual. I jump in and out of relationships. If I WANT to do or say something, I typically do or say it without any regard for the consequences. If I have something on my mind, it controls and engulfs me until I act upon it; I get no relief until I do.
It is like I push the limits of all relationships; lovers, friends, and co-workers/employers. I thrive on the drama of it all. After reeling people in, I want them to feel sorry for me and work to try to make me happy. I want them to stop worrying about their problems and/or responsibilities and concentrate on me. However, I am actually sabotaging these relationships because there is only so much people can take.
I go for the online dating thing when a relationship ends. I really don't have the desire for sex. For me, this is some kind of compulsive behavior were I try to seek the affection and, hence, validation from someone else.
Although my children live with me, I absolutely despise being alone and having no adult female around that loves me. However, I view everyone I know as either all good or all evil. When they do something good, I love them; when they do something I think is bad, I see them as evil, and I hold a grudge. At the same time, I trust no one. I feel like everyone has an ulterior motive. And, the thing I hate the most is being criticized because I try to do everything right.
When things don't go as planned or I am interrupted in my thought process, I have bouts of inappropriate anger....I have gone off on my kids to the point that I scared the crap out of them. To this day, even as teens, do pretty much everything I say without question. This attitude came about because they wanted peace and my love and this is the price they pay for it.
I also experience mood swings. One minute I am happy or content. The next minute I am depressed or mad. It is like I am bored with contentment and I seek excitement whether it is positive or negative. I also flee stressful situations.
Finally, I have no clue as to who or what I am and I experience intense feeling of emptiness. I feel like I am just faking it as I go through life. I have experimented with many lifestyles, and still don't know who or what I really am.
I hope my sharing can be of help to all of us. Please do not take anything that I may say personally.
Bless,
Jerry
June 20, 2006
BPD Insights
Fact:
The American psychiatric association lists 257 different manifestations of BPD.
Fact:
BP's can be highly functioning in the work portion of life and struggle greatly in the home life, symptoms only being recognized by family and close long-term friendships.
Many times in a relationship, a BP will recreate themselves to become what they believe the other person would consider lovable. When the negative effects of this backfire, they lash out at the other person for "making them do it", rather than face their own fears of rejection/inadequacy. What they end up doing is creating the scene they fear most and then replaying it over and over again.
Usually what is going on in the BP's mind is completely different than their actions. For them the feelings run so deep and are often too difficult to express. Here are some examples I found on Facing the Facts:
If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;
I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;
I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;
I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;
Other people are evil and abuse you;
If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;
If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;
If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;
If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;
I will always be alone;
I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;
There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;
I don't really know what I want;
I will never get what I want;
I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;
I have no control of myself;
I can't discipline myself;
My feelings and opinions are unfounded;
Other people are not willing or helpful.
To the family members, BPD behavior is often very frustrating can feel unfair and punitive - something like this:
You have been viewed as overly good and then overly bad;
You have been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions, alternating with periods when the family member acts perfectly normal and very loving;
Things that you have said or done have been twisted and used against you;
You are accused of things you never did or said?
You often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions;
You find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard;
You feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to.
~My sister has always had a strange love/hate relationship with me. One minute I am shocked to find during an odd introduction that she has been telling her newest set of companions how much she"adores" me, and then at the drop of a hat; all the chaos in her life is somehow my fault and her anger is directed at me.
I remember once in a family therapy session she was telling the therapist how I had messed up her life by forcing her to live with our father. I was maybe 9 years old at the time this distorted memory had occurred.
Looking back, I can see now that trying to convince her of reality was not the most helpful move - of course none of us, not even the therapist was aware of this crucial point!
The American psychiatric association lists 257 different manifestations of BPD.
Fact:
BP's can be highly functioning in the work portion of life and struggle greatly in the home life, symptoms only being recognized by family and close long-term friendships.
Many times in a relationship, a BP will recreate themselves to become what they believe the other person would consider lovable. When the negative effects of this backfire, they lash out at the other person for "making them do it", rather than face their own fears of rejection/inadequacy. What they end up doing is creating the scene they fear most and then replaying it over and over again.
Usually what is going on in the BP's mind is completely different than their actions. For them the feelings run so deep and are often too difficult to express. Here are some examples I found on Facing the Facts:
If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;
I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;
I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;
I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;
Other people are evil and abuse you;
If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;
If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;
If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;
If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;
I will always be alone;
I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;
There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;
I don't really know what I want;
I will never get what I want;
I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;
I have no control of myself;
I can't discipline myself;
My feelings and opinions are unfounded;
Other people are not willing or helpful.
To the family members, BPD behavior is often very frustrating can feel unfair and punitive - something like this:
You have been viewed as overly good and then overly bad;
You have been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions, alternating with periods when the family member acts perfectly normal and very loving;
Things that you have said or done have been twisted and used against you;
You are accused of things you never did or said?
You often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions;
You find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard;
You feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to.
~My sister has always had a strange love/hate relationship with me. One minute I am shocked to find during an odd introduction that she has been telling her newest set of companions how much she"adores" me, and then at the drop of a hat; all the chaos in her life is somehow my fault and her anger is directed at me.
I remember once in a family therapy session she was telling the therapist how I had messed up her life by forcing her to live with our father. I was maybe 9 years old at the time this distorted memory had occurred.
Looking back, I can see now that trying to convince her of reality was not the most helpful move - of course none of us, not even the therapist was aware of this crucial point!
How a BPD Love Relationship Evolves
In his article adapted from Romeo's Bleeding by Roger Melton, M.A. states that "Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor her appearance and actions to please others, she often presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings wildly back and forth from one phase to the next."
Click here to read his description of each of the three stages.
Click here to read his description of each of the three stages.
Love when you have BPD
Face the Facts posted the following, written by someone working to stay in recovery from BPD:
Some partners of people with BPD worry the relationship was just a game, that their SO was using them and felt nothing for them. That’s not true.
I am a recovering BP.
Before, when I was in a relationship, my feelings felt genuine. I didn’t have a conscious ulterior motive. There was an authentic connection; and while it may have been unhealthy and for the wrong reasons, it was, in my mind, real.
I acted as if I was in love because I thought I was.
The bond that occurred in the beginning of a relationship was incredible: there was a deep (false) sense of knowing the other person intimately, intuitively. He became my whole world and it was wonderful, rapturous. When my boyfriends left – and they invariably left – that world was annihilated; everything fell to ashes.
The breakup that led to my hard-won recovery from BPD left me literally slumped on the floor, crushed in spirit, feeling as if there was no meaning in my life.
I was close to killing myself - too defeated and broken to even move. The saddest thing about the situation was that I was the cause of my pain, yet had little idea then that it was due to my own behavior.
So yes, the love is “real”, but only in the sense of how it feels to the person with BPD: the feelings seem real, they feel like love.
But it’s not love because it’s based on need rather than on true caring and intimacy, which is the real love we all deserve.
~People suffer to different degrees with BPD, the fears vary which also make their responses vary. As we come to understand this illness and the specific cycles our loved ones follow, looking back the behaviors will seem predictable in some small way.
Some partners of people with BPD worry the relationship was just a game, that their SO was using them and felt nothing for them. That’s not true.
I am a recovering BP.
Before, when I was in a relationship, my feelings felt genuine. I didn’t have a conscious ulterior motive. There was an authentic connection; and while it may have been unhealthy and for the wrong reasons, it was, in my mind, real.
I acted as if I was in love because I thought I was.
The bond that occurred in the beginning of a relationship was incredible: there was a deep (false) sense of knowing the other person intimately, intuitively. He became my whole world and it was wonderful, rapturous. When my boyfriends left – and they invariably left – that world was annihilated; everything fell to ashes.
The breakup that led to my hard-won recovery from BPD left me literally slumped on the floor, crushed in spirit, feeling as if there was no meaning in my life.
I was close to killing myself - too defeated and broken to even move. The saddest thing about the situation was that I was the cause of my pain, yet had little idea then that it was due to my own behavior.
So yes, the love is “real”, but only in the sense of how it feels to the person with BPD: the feelings seem real, they feel like love.
But it’s not love because it’s based on need rather than on true caring and intimacy, which is the real love we all deserve.
~People suffer to different degrees with BPD, the fears vary which also make their responses vary. As we come to understand this illness and the specific cycles our loved ones follow, looking back the behaviors will seem predictable in some small way.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Symptoms Expanded
The National Institute for Mental Health describes Borderline personality disorder (BPD) as a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior.
This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation.
A person with BPD may experience intense emotions such as anger, depression, and anxiety that usually only lasts a few hours, or a day at the most, differing from a typical person with Bi-polar or Depression who will experience the mood for weeks.
These intense emotions may also be accompanied with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and identity can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values.
NIMH goes on to state that people with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.
People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.
~The more we go on trying to understand BPD, the easier it will become to view it as the actual illness it is. We will no longer be bewildered by the chaotic behavior, less likely to take the many hurtful experiences personally, and better able to let go of the "story lines" weaved by the afflicted.
We will learn how to set healthy boundaries that enhance self-respect and quality of life. We will no longer allow ourselves to be controlled by this disorder as we take the upper-hand and expand our knowledge base.
This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation.
A person with BPD may experience intense emotions such as anger, depression, and anxiety that usually only lasts a few hours, or a day at the most, differing from a typical person with Bi-polar or Depression who will experience the mood for weeks.
These intense emotions may also be accompanied with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and identity can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values.
NIMH goes on to state that people with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.
People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.
~The more we go on trying to understand BPD, the easier it will become to view it as the actual illness it is. We will no longer be bewildered by the chaotic behavior, less likely to take the many hurtful experiences personally, and better able to let go of the "story lines" weaved by the afflicted.
We will learn how to set healthy boundaries that enhance self-respect and quality of life. We will no longer allow ourselves to be controlled by this disorder as we take the upper-hand and expand our knowledge base.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Treatment
Treatment for borderline personality disorder has improved in recent years with the adoption of techniques specifically aimed at people with this disorder. Treatment may include psychotherapy, medications or hospitalization.
Living with borderline personality disorder is difficult. The prognosis is has a poor outlook because people often do not comply with treatment. They may realize their behaviors and thoughts are self-destructive or damaging yet feel unable to control them. Treatment can help them learn skills to manage and cope with the condition, when they comply.
Other things they can do to help manage this condition include:
- Sticking to a treatment plan
- Attending all therapy sessions
- Practicing healthy ways to ease painful emotions, rather than inflicting self-injury
- Not blaming yourself for having the disorder but recognizing your responsibility to get it treated
- Learning what things may trigger angry outbursts or impulsive behavior
- Not being embarrassed by the condition
- Getting treatment for related problems, such as substance abuse
- Educating yourself about the disorder so that you understand its causes and treatments
- Reaching out to others with the disorder to share insights and experiences
Diagnosis
To be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, you must meet criteria spelled out in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This manual is published and updated by the American Psychiatric Association and is used by mental health professionals to diagnose mental conditions and by insurance companies to reimburse for treatment.
For borderline personality disorder to be diagnosed, at least five of the following signs and symptoms must be present:
- Intense fears of abandonment
- A pattern of unstable relationships
- Unstable self-image
- Impulsive and self-destructive behaviors
- Suicidal behavior or self-injury
- Wide mood swings
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate anger
- Periods of paranoia and loss of contact with reality
Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. Interpersonal relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image all can be negatively affected. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are very high, reaching 10 percent to 15 percent.
In addition, you may have other mental health problems, including:
- Depression
- Substance abuse
- Anxiety disorders
- Eating disorders
- Bipolar disorder
- Other personality disorders
Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused.
Cause
The cause of borderline personality disorder is still unknown, and there's no known way to prevent it. Possible causes include:
- Genetics. Some studies of twins and families suggest that personality disorders may be inherited. (Newer studies also showed twins separated at birth, one went on to develop it while the other did not.)
- Environmental factors. Many people with borderline personality disorder have a history of childhood abuse, neglect and separation from caregivers or loved ones. (while newer studies have shown this is not always the case.)
- Brain abnormalities. Some research has shown changes in certain areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, impulsivity and aggression. In addition, certain brain chemicals that help regulate mood, such as serotonin, may not function properly. (Variations of certain mixtures of drugs have shown to help certain types of symptoms.)
Some common Risk factors for BPD include:
- Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
- Disrupted family life
- Poor communication in the family
- Sexual abuse
Symptoms
According again to Mayo Clinic:
The Symptoms:
The Symptoms:
Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
When you have BPD, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You often experience a love-hate relationship with others. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may seem good one day and evil the next.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
- Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or taking illicit drugs
- Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
- Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
- Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
- Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
- Suicidal behavior
- Fear of being alone
BPD Defined
Mayo Clinic Defines Borderline Personality Disorder:
Borderline personality disorder can be a distressing medical condition, both for the people who have it and for those around them. When you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you have difficulty controlling your emotions and are often in a state of upheaval — perhaps as a result of harmful childhood experiences or brain dysfunction.
With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you yearn for loving relationships.
Increasing awareness and research are helping improve the treatment and understanding of borderline personality disorder. Emerging evidence indicates that people with borderline personality disorder often get better over time and that they can live happy, peaceful lives.
Google Health's Overview:
Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which a person makes impulsive actions, and has an unstable mood and chaotic relationships.
The reason
I created this blog to gather friends and family of my sister, who had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder many years ago. Following that diagnosis, there was not much information on the subject, nor an actual plan in place to help those suffering from this disorder. Each person believing they could help; families, courts, and therapists were left in bewilderment by the actions and words of the persons afflicted.
After the last cycle my sister went though lasting about 3 years, we realized she has not grown out of it as we had hoped would happen- she's in her early 30's. Luckily as a family we have come a long way and are ready to look truth in the face and stop reacting to her episodes.
While there is still much to be tested and researched on the subject, there is a lot more helpful information out there now. I am dedicating time to do as much research as I can and share that info here with those who want to support those with Borderline or like symptoms. It will take us all working together to make the changes we hope for.
This is not an easy path, but living in the whirlwind of a Borderline is always much worse.
Did you know?...
* Most recent statistics show that 25% of American's are thought to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.
After the last cycle my sister went though lasting about 3 years, we realized she has not grown out of it as we had hoped would happen- she's in her early 30's. Luckily as a family we have come a long way and are ready to look truth in the face and stop reacting to her episodes.
While there is still much to be tested and researched on the subject, there is a lot more helpful information out there now. I am dedicating time to do as much research as I can and share that info here with those who want to support those with Borderline or like symptoms. It will take us all working together to make the changes we hope for.
This is not an easy path, but living in the whirlwind of a Borderline is always much worse.
Did you know?...
* Most recent statistics show that 25% of American's are thought to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.
*Borderlines always want to get well, but the struggle to treat usually gets
warped by their own self-destructing delusions.
*People afflicted have varying degrees of the symptoms which are not strictly
brought on by either environment or genetics.
Please share your thoughts and experiences as an appropriate helpful tool. This is not a place to name bash or put down anyone. This is a serious illness, with very real feelings and emotions on all sides.
Become a follower, or just check back often to see what info I uncover!
warped by their own self-destructing delusions.
*People afflicted have varying degrees of the symptoms which are not strictly
brought on by either environment or genetics.
Please share your thoughts and experiences as an appropriate helpful tool. This is not a place to name bash or put down anyone. This is a serious illness, with very real feelings and emotions on all sides.
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